Really

So I figure out on the night of  October 9th, or the early morning of Oct. 10th. 2012 that I am an Asshole. Which is why the picture is so.   I always wondered if I was or not.  Confirmation has been .....errr....confirmed. I'm an asshole.  If you don't agree, who cares I'm an asshole.  If you do care, who cares I'm an asshole.  The secret is. I want t be loved, cherished, admired.  But the truth is I'm my only fan.  So fuck you.  Fuck her, fuck him.  I am who I am.  If you don't want to spend time with me.  I understand, but I don't care.  So Fuck Off.

Soliloquy of My Inner Squirrel

Yeah I tried remembering the poem, tried rewriting. I couldn't get it right.  The Squirrel is a Poem I wrote many years ago.  I chose the Squirrel because from the outside, or to us at least squirrels look happy.  I wrote of how sad it was for the Squirrel being made fun of all the time for being squirrely, People making Fun of him due to his diet. i.e. He's nuts.  Then it got dark and the Squirrel, He was lost and couldn't find his way home. At the end of the poem he found happiness, in the jaws of a wolf.

The reason I still don't have it is because I was going through a cleansing at a point in my life in the early 2000's and decided to burn all my poetry.   So I lost that poem forever.  Maybe I'll try and re-write it as a short story.  The weird part is, I wrote that back in 99 when I had the most self confidence, and biggest ego you'd ever seen.  I felt to be taken seriously as a poet you needed to have at least one depressing poem.  What I didn't count on was that poem predicting my future.

I always thought that people who were depressed were just weak minded people.  I figured I'd gone through the same bullshit that everyone else had and i was still standing.  Fuck 'em!  But that was than, this is now.   I know it wasn't an all of a sudden, I know it was gradual.  That's why on my 31st birthday I joined a gym.  See it's not about being fat, it's about how I feel when I way north of 300lbs.  I loved that summer.  I was losing weight like it was going out of style.  I was gaining strength I never knew I had. I remember that night I did over 100 handstand push ups. I felt like nothing could stop me. I was biking 20k a day, I was swimming most days about 2 k.  When bike weather stopped I'd jog everywhere I went. I had quit smoking, I only drank 3 times from May til January.  I had so much to look forward too. The Kettlebell Competition,  the Try-a-Tri (mini Triathlon), The Marathon was on the horizon and I knew I would conquer it. I was getting more pumped about who I was.  I hadn't been that happy to be me in such a long time.   Then I got hit by a car.

To this day I'm still sore.  The worst part however is the depression that over came me.  I can't see me ever getting that feeling of awesomeness that I once had.  People who know me know I spend way more energy than I should worrying about dying alone.  Everything would be a lot easier if I just gave up and decided to be single for the rest of my life.  There was a lady who liked me somewhat recently.  I thought it would be settling, so I didn't try and further anything.  A friend said I should be happy with the knowledge that I can get someone.  I told her "why settle when you can strive?  If you settled you'd be with me."   People really like to give advice that they would never take themselves.  I understand that I'm at the bottom of barrel when it come to a perspective mate.  That's why I need to change who I am.   I start to some times than I just get so upset cause I've been single for so long.  I miss the feel of a woman. I almost forget what it feels like.   I know some of my friends may read this and say "Cheer Up!"  I just wish it was that easy.

I think I Know...

I think I know what happened to me.  10-12 years ago if a woman told me she wasn't interested, I would make her fall in love with me.  Once bitten twice shy?  Maybe.  I'm not gonna have a cop out excuse like 'I lost my smile',  but I do think I've lost my voice.  Obviously I'm funny, and I can talk to girls with out turning into mush.  But that's not the voice I'm talking about.  I remember back then I could write a poem at the drop of a hat to deal with what I was going through. Now all my ideas are blank or stupid.  I remember not giving a crap if people liked my poems.  They were apart of me. I said what I needed to say.  If you didn't like that.  That wasn't my problem.  I don't know if I should write a poem or go to a poetry reading or something.  either way I need to change this path that I'm up.  Sooner or later I'll become the Squirrel.  Maybe I'll share that poem with you tomorrow.

whoops.

Well First day of trying to lose weight.  I got Drunk does that count?  I want to Impress women, but at the end of the day,  I think I disgust them. It's their loss.  I'm the most awesome guy ever.  It's a shame they don't see that.  what was really funny is I saw a girl on her phone and I told her "hurry up and text your Boyfriend,  and I'll start hitting on you." LOL  I know I'm funny.  I heard it's a way to a woman's heart.  It's also a way to get her to laugh at you.   That's what I've noticed at least.   Talk to you tomorrow,  maybe I'll be in better spirits.

Fuck Off Cruel World.

So I've asked her out twice.  She never actually says no, she just doesn't write back.  I think she only notices guys who are full of muscles.  If I never got hit by that car I'd probably be there by now.  I was thinking of starting a new blog about just my daily trials of trying to lose weight.  I then thought I might as well just use this one.  I slept all day again today.  I really need to get my sleep back to normal.  That would probably help.   Then I could start going for walks and such as little as I can do.  No wonder I'm single.  Who wants to be with a handicapped dude.  There is also a part of my brain that suggests, If she don't like me now, she'll never like, regardless of what I weigh.  It's very hard to love myself, when I know no one else wants to love me. I'm not talking about family & friends.  I mean I want someone to love me.

Since last time

I lost a friend because of my blog.  I guess she really wasn't that much of a friend.   What do you expect from someone who brings her dog that doesn't like fireworks to a fireworks show. The year is half over,  I'm still knee deep in the vile, putrid, slimy, gelatinous filth that is my life.   I'm still single, which isn't really a shock since I hate women.   I just want someone to call for no reason at all.  I want to share all my dreams and desires with some who desires to dream.  Some would ask or comment if I were really this weak minded to hate myself, to find myself this undesirable.  I'd like to think I'm intelligent, but at the end of the day my issues are tearing me apart.  Almost 6 years at a company and they throw me overboard like yesterday's garbage.  I don't know what is next for me in life.  Start a porn site? Get my drivers license? Take over the world?  I really don't know what is next for me.  I can only work a job that is part time, with minimal lifting.  But I don't have the credentials on paper to say that I can.  Maybe this will just give me the time to heal up a bit more so I can start working somewhere at the bottom again.

She was right

So who was right. Sexy Sailor.  She told me that I was always "on", always making jokes and all that stuff.  So I tried talking to this girl at the bar only I kept my jokes at a minimum.   We had a nice conversation,  she hugged me goodbye,  so Sexy Sailor was right.  It's weird, I think this girl likes me and hopes to see me again.  I don't know if I want to though.  I think I'm finally at that point where I don't want to date.  I definitely don't want to have sex or anything like that.   Maybe a bit of nude wrestling but that's it.  I don't understand. I've been so sad for the past 5 years of being alone.  I thought it was me that was the problem.  Nope it was them.  I only seemed to hit on women out of my league or those who were nuts.  So now I choose to live alone, I choose to die alone, and on my own terms.  That is I don't want to be nagged to death.  I will die in a Spanish speaking country trying to catch fish with a shoe-lace and pop tab.   I am still open to the idea of slave girls though.  Hmm.  So last week I decided to become a villain. Now I want to isolate myself from the world.  I'm sensing a pattern.

Happy Birthday to me!

Well had a great party last night.  Lots of people came out for both me and Lisa.  Some  people came out for them selves.  They announced to everyone they were leaving cause there was no karaoke.   That hurt my feelings a little.  But on to bigger and better things.

    2 years ago at my birthday party.   It was my last time smoking or drinking for 6 months.  From my birthday til the 5 k.  Of course I can't really jog right now, and I can barely walk.  But as Jason (Red Ranger) said. "isn't the smallest chance of winning worth continuing the fight?"   Every year on my birthday I watch the Green Ranger Saga,  I know it's childish. That's the whole point.  Remember where I came from.  I can't watch it without thinking of all my friends I grew up with,  talking about this series.  I was about 13 or 14 at the time. probably a little too old to be watching in the first place.  But I didn't care.  This was a 5 part mini-series for a kids show.  The hero's lost almost every fight.  They lost Zordon, they lost the Zords, the almost lost Hope.  I'm not much of a Super Hero.  But I've lost hope a long time ago.  I fully believe the universe is against me.  Luckily I have friends who are also fighting the universe.  Look at Ralph for example.  He buys $600 worth of food,  to cook for mine and Lisa's party's yesterday.  Yet all he got was complaint after complaint.  Giving his time energy and money wasn't enough.  Meanwhile from my perspective, I'm thinking how can someone give so much and be treated like shit.  This is one of the many reasons why I've decided to become the Bad Guy.  I am the villain of the story.   From now on I'm gonna go to people's birthday parties and complain that it isn't all about me.  I'm only gonna get drunk if there is a chance it will get violent. If I see you eating on a patio, I'm gonna kick you in the head grab your food and walk away saying  "I just ate your lunch."   Being nice, and cordial, and all that is for losers.  I want to be a winner, and I'm finely willing to step all over people to get there.  So Fuck You for reading this and DON"T have a nice day.

Just got into a "fight"

So this Girl.  Me and her believe the same things when it comes to Abortion and Gay marriage.  But we disagree on Presidential candidates.  She is for Obama,  I'm for Ron Paul.  She finds Skeletons in the closest for Ron Paul.  I say they are all based on lies put out there my a controlled media that hates him.   So long Story Short she talks to me like I was  a child. " If you want to believe that you go right ahead.  I only deal with Cold Hard Facts."  So I send her Some Cold Hard Facts.  then she yells at me for putting stuff on her wall.  It's not her Fault. He Intelligence tells her that I'm crazy.   This is the Problem in North America.  Ever Since 9 11, our Rights and all that fun stuff has been taken away.  Some People Believe Only By Bush.  Some people Believe Only By Obama.  Both are wrong. The Patriot Act took many rights away, as Introduced by Bush, and Re-upped my Obama.  The NDAA was introduced by Obama but I guarantee you that if romney got it. the NDAA would stay.  The NDAA says that they can arrest anyone at anytime for Suspicion of being a terrorist. Without trial, or due process or even proof.  The Department Of Justice a few Years ago released a list of Domestic Terrorists.  Ron Paul Supporters, Gun Owners, People who store Food, or Grow Gardens. I can't make this up. I read it with my own eyes after downloading it from the Pentagon's website.  Legally like everyone can.  That document from the DOJ was done under Bush.  I'm not Picking on Obama,  they're both Evil.  Now as of March next year every american is supposed to have a Chip put in them.  that Sounds Crazy.  But I've read the Bill From Congress.  Once again I'm the Crazy theorist.   Oh and Alex Jones Broke the story 2 years ago.  It is clear to me that people only like Facts when it suits them.  If you show them other facts they treat you like a child or like your crazy.   I was basically Bullied by this person.  She puts 8 posts on my wall. all Lies about Ron Paul.  All Opinion based news.  I put Facts On hers and she did nothing but yell at me.   My facts debunked her Assertions.  So the Best way to deal with that.  Block me.  Only surround herself with people who believe Exactly what she Believes.   Anyone else with Facts.  "Has no Life", is a crazy conspiracy Theorist, and needs to ignored.  Learn from history or you'll be doomed to repeat it.

What's Sadder Than a Sad Clown.

Sorry for those that come here hoping to be entertained.  Then again my brother is the only one who reads these anyways.  I wanted to keep a blog cause people don't like me when I talk on Facebook.  I've had some retweets on Twitter but usually only when talking about politics, or should I say Paulitics.  My life depresses me, my work depresses me.  Politics depress me,  my body depresses me.   Even a show called Glee is starting to depress me.  It's only a TV show,  but guy's are trying suicide, women are getting beaten, and the woman surviving a car accident is finding love.  The biggest thing that has been making me feel like a 'has-been'  is that I've never taken a single shot in my life.  If a woman turns me down I sulk instead of making her fall in love with me like I know I have the power to do.   I've never professionally taken a shot. I'm gonna be 33 this month and I've never even tried.  I've just floated through life.  As William Wallace said in Braveheart.  "Every man dies, not every man truly lives".   I ask myself why I never tried out for wrestling school 10 years ago.   I ask myself why I never auditioned for a part in a local production.  I know I have the stage presence.   Am I a Loser? No! Cause to be a loser you have to have competed, I'm not a has-been, I'm a never-was.  I don't even know if I want anyone to read this or if i'm just writing it down to get it out of my system.

     Since I got hit by that car my life has been a total mess.  I was in training for the kettlebell competition.  I was in training for the 10k run in May.   In August of last year I would have competed in the Try a Tri.  a Shorter distance Triathlon.  By early this year I would have been looking to up my mark and weights at this year's Kettlebell Comp.  I also would have been looking for a half-marathon in the spring to get me ready for the Toronto Marathon in the fall.  IT was all planed out.  Shitstorms are hard to forecast.  Every time I see my doctor I tell him how depressed I am.  But he just doesn't listen.  I think about suicide almost daily.   I've talked with some friends but I usually change the subject.  I talk to one guy at work who is like an angel. I always tell him if he were gay I'd marry him.  Either way when I win the lottery and become a Bond Villain he's gonna be my mad scientist

   See I make jokes even when unloading.  A woman asked/told me last week, that I'm always "on", if I would just be myself I might find someone.  Well I made a joke of it of course.  The one thing women say is an overriding feature in men that they find attractive is confidence.  I don't have any left.  I pretend to have some.  I'll sing an Adele song or two at karaoke.  But that's a mask(and I really like Adele).  How Am I supposed to show a woman that I'm frail, and weak.   I haven't been looking for a woman this year.  Like I said in an earlier post.  I got a woman's number but I don't really want it.  I can't afford to take a woman for coffee.  How am I supposed to go on an actual date.  Yes it's chauvinistic to think that I have to pay.  But it's also Chivalrous to know that I have to pay.

 I don't know if you read this, just tell me to be happy and I'll oblige.

Here's a song to cheer you up.