Soliloquy of My Inner Squirrel

Yeah I tried remembering the poem, tried rewriting. I couldn't get it right.  The Squirrel is a Poem I wrote many years ago.  I chose the Squirrel because from the outside, or to us at least squirrels look happy.  I wrote of how sad it was for the Squirrel being made fun of all the time for being squirrely, People making Fun of him due to his diet. i.e. He's nuts.  Then it got dark and the Squirrel, He was lost and couldn't find his way home. At the end of the poem he found happiness, in the jaws of a wolf.

The reason I still don't have it is because I was going through a cleansing at a point in my life in the early 2000's and decided to burn all my poetry.   So I lost that poem forever.  Maybe I'll try and re-write it as a short story.  The weird part is, I wrote that back in 99 when I had the most self confidence, and biggest ego you'd ever seen.  I felt to be taken seriously as a poet you needed to have at least one depressing poem.  What I didn't count on was that poem predicting my future.

I always thought that people who were depressed were just weak minded people.  I figured I'd gone through the same bullshit that everyone else had and i was still standing.  Fuck 'em!  But that was than, this is now.   I know it wasn't an all of a sudden, I know it was gradual.  That's why on my 31st birthday I joined a gym.  See it's not about being fat, it's about how I feel when I way north of 300lbs.  I loved that summer.  I was losing weight like it was going out of style.  I was gaining strength I never knew I had. I remember that night I did over 100 handstand push ups. I felt like nothing could stop me. I was biking 20k a day, I was swimming most days about 2 k.  When bike weather stopped I'd jog everywhere I went. I had quit smoking, I only drank 3 times from May til January.  I had so much to look forward too. The Kettlebell Competition,  the Try-a-Tri (mini Triathlon), The Marathon was on the horizon and I knew I would conquer it. I was getting more pumped about who I was.  I hadn't been that happy to be me in such a long time.   Then I got hit by a car.

To this day I'm still sore.  The worst part however is the depression that over came me.  I can't see me ever getting that feeling of awesomeness that I once had.  People who know me know I spend way more energy than I should worrying about dying alone.  Everything would be a lot easier if I just gave up and decided to be single for the rest of my life.  There was a lady who liked me somewhat recently.  I thought it would be settling, so I didn't try and further anything.  A friend said I should be happy with the knowledge that I can get someone.  I told her "why settle when you can strive?  If you settled you'd be with me."   People really like to give advice that they would never take themselves.  I understand that I'm at the bottom of barrel when it come to a perspective mate.  That's why I need to change who I am.   I start to some times than I just get so upset cause I've been single for so long.  I miss the feel of a woman. I almost forget what it feels like.   I know some of my friends may read this and say "Cheer Up!"  I just wish it was that easy.

I think I Know...

I think I know what happened to me.  10-12 years ago if a woman told me she wasn't interested, I would make her fall in love with me.  Once bitten twice shy?  Maybe.  I'm not gonna have a cop out excuse like 'I lost my smile',  but I do think I've lost my voice.  Obviously I'm funny, and I can talk to girls with out turning into mush.  But that's not the voice I'm talking about.  I remember back then I could write a poem at the drop of a hat to deal with what I was going through. Now all my ideas are blank or stupid.  I remember not giving a crap if people liked my poems.  They were apart of me. I said what I needed to say.  If you didn't like that.  That wasn't my problem.  I don't know if I should write a poem or go to a poetry reading or something.  either way I need to change this path that I'm up.  Sooner or later I'll become the Squirrel.  Maybe I'll share that poem with you tomorrow.

whoops.

Well First day of trying to lose weight.  I got Drunk does that count?  I want to Impress women, but at the end of the day,  I think I disgust them. It's their loss.  I'm the most awesome guy ever.  It's a shame they don't see that.  what was really funny is I saw a girl on her phone and I told her "hurry up and text your Boyfriend,  and I'll start hitting on you." LOL  I know I'm funny.  I heard it's a way to a woman's heart.  It's also a way to get her to laugh at you.   That's what I've noticed at least.   Talk to you tomorrow,  maybe I'll be in better spirits.

Fuck Off Cruel World.

So I've asked her out twice.  She never actually says no, she just doesn't write back.  I think she only notices guys who are full of muscles.  If I never got hit by that car I'd probably be there by now.  I was thinking of starting a new blog about just my daily trials of trying to lose weight.  I then thought I might as well just use this one.  I slept all day again today.  I really need to get my sleep back to normal.  That would probably help.   Then I could start going for walks and such as little as I can do.  No wonder I'm single.  Who wants to be with a handicapped dude.  There is also a part of my brain that suggests, If she don't like me now, she'll never like, regardless of what I weigh.  It's very hard to love myself, when I know no one else wants to love me. I'm not talking about family & friends.  I mean I want someone to love me.