Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Soliloquy of My Inner Squirrel
The reason I still don't have it is because I was going through a cleansing at a point in my life in the early 2000's and decided to burn all my poetry. So I lost that poem forever. Maybe I'll try and re-write it as a short story. The weird part is, I wrote that back in 99 when I had the most self confidence, and biggest ego you'd ever seen. I felt to be taken seriously as a poet you needed to have at least one depressing poem. What I didn't count on was that poem predicting my future.
I always thought that people who were depressed were just weak minded people. I figured I'd gone through the same bullshit that everyone else had and i was still standing. Fuck 'em! But that was than, this is now. I know it wasn't an all of a sudden, I know it was gradual. That's why on my 31st birthday I joined a gym. See it's not about being fat, it's about how I feel when I way north of 300lbs. I loved that summer. I was losing weight like it was going out of style. I was gaining strength I never knew I had. I remember that night I did over 100 handstand push ups. I felt like nothing could stop me. I was biking 20k a day, I was swimming most days about 2 k. When bike weather stopped I'd jog everywhere I went. I had quit smoking, I only drank 3 times from May til January. I had so much to look forward too. The Kettlebell Competition, the Try-a-Tri (mini Triathlon), The Marathon was on the horizon and I knew I would conquer it. I was getting more pumped about who I was. I hadn't been that happy to be me in such a long time. Then I got hit by a car.
To this day I'm still sore. The worst part however is the depression that over came me. I can't see me ever getting that feeling of awesomeness that I once had. People who know me know I spend way more energy than I should worrying about dying alone. Everything would be a lot easier if I just gave up and decided to be single for the rest of my life. There was a lady who liked me somewhat recently. I thought it would be settling, so I didn't try and further anything. A friend said I should be happy with the knowledge that I can get someone. I told her "why settle when you can strive? If you settled you'd be with me." People really like to give advice that they would never take themselves. I understand that I'm at the bottom of barrel when it come to a perspective mate. That's why I need to change who I am. I start to some times than I just get so upset cause I've been single for so long. I miss the feel of a woman. I almost forget what it feels like. I know some of my friends may read this and say "Cheer Up!" I just wish it was that easy.