Thursday, May 3, 2012

What's Sadder Than a Sad Clown.

Sorry for those that come here hoping to be entertained.  Then again my brother is the only one who reads these anyways.  I wanted to keep a blog cause people don't like me when I talk on Facebook.  I've had some retweets on Twitter but usually only when talking about politics, or should I say Paulitics.  My life depresses me, my work depresses me.  Politics depress me,  my body depresses me.   Even a show called Glee is starting to depress me.  It's only a TV show,  but guy's are trying suicide, women are getting beaten, and the woman surviving a car accident is finding love.  The biggest thing that has been making me feel like a 'has-been'  is that I've never taken a single shot in my life.  If a woman turns me down I sulk instead of making her fall in love with me like I know I have the power to do.   I've never professionally taken a shot. I'm gonna be 33 this month and I've never even tried.  I've just floated through life.  As William Wallace said in Braveheart.  "Every man dies, not every man truly lives".   I ask myself why I never tried out for wrestling school 10 years ago.   I ask myself why I never auditioned for a part in a local production.  I know I have the stage presence.   Am I a Loser? No! Cause to be a loser you have to have competed, I'm not a has-been, I'm a never-was.  I don't even know if I want anyone to read this or if i'm just writing it down to get it out of my system.

     Since I got hit by that car my life has been a total mess.  I was in training for the kettlebell competition.  I was in training for the 10k run in May.   In August of last year I would have competed in the Try a Tri.  a Shorter distance Triathlon.  By early this year I would have been looking to up my mark and weights at this year's Kettlebell Comp.  I also would have been looking for a half-marathon in the spring to get me ready for the Toronto Marathon in the fall.  IT was all planed out.  Shitstorms are hard to forecast.  Every time I see my doctor I tell him how depressed I am.  But he just doesn't listen.  I think about suicide almost daily.   I've talked with some friends but I usually change the subject.  I talk to one guy at work who is like an angel. I always tell him if he were gay I'd marry him.  Either way when I win the lottery and become a Bond Villain he's gonna be my mad scientist

   See I make jokes even when unloading.  A woman asked/told me last week, that I'm always "on", if I would just be myself I might find someone.  Well I made a joke of it of course.  The one thing women say is an overriding feature in men that they find attractive is confidence.  I don't have any left.  I pretend to have some.  I'll sing an Adele song or two at karaoke.  But that's a mask(and I really like Adele).  How Am I supposed to show a woman that I'm frail, and weak.   I haven't been looking for a woman this year.  Like I said in an earlier post.  I got a woman's number but I don't really want it.  I can't afford to take a woman for coffee.  How am I supposed to go on an actual date.  Yes it's chauvinistic to think that I have to pay.  But it's also Chivalrous to know that I have to pay.

 I don't know if you read this, just tell me to be happy and I'll oblige.

Here's a song to cheer you up.


  1. i don't agree, your not a has-been or a never-was. your a to-be

    - Ron

  2. Cheer up. Things will get better. Remember I was a bit depressed for a while. I thought some nasty thoughts. But I though it. Anyway, pretty much the whole time I was reading your post I heard Alfred in my head.

    "Why do we fall down? So we can pick ourselves back up"