Thursday, May 3, 2012
What's Sadder Than a Sad Clown.
Since I got hit by that car my life has been a total mess. I was in training for the kettlebell competition. I was in training for the 10k run in May. In August of last year I would have competed in the Try a Tri. a Shorter distance Triathlon. By early this year I would have been looking to up my mark and weights at this year's Kettlebell Comp. I also would have been looking for a half-marathon in the spring to get me ready for the Toronto Marathon in the fall. IT was all planed out. Shitstorms are hard to forecast. Every time I see my doctor I tell him how depressed I am. But he just doesn't listen. I think about suicide almost daily. I've talked with some friends but I usually change the subject. I talk to one guy at work who is like an angel. I always tell him if he were gay I'd marry him. Either way when I win the lottery and become a Bond Villain he's gonna be my mad scientist
See I make jokes even when unloading. A woman asked/told me last week, that I'm always "on", if I would just be myself I might find someone. Well I made a joke of it of course. The one thing women say is an overriding feature in men that they find attractive is confidence. I don't have any left. I pretend to have some. I'll sing an Adele song or two at karaoke. But that's a mask(and I really like Adele). How Am I supposed to show a woman that I'm frail, and weak. I haven't been looking for a woman this year. Like I said in an earlier post. I got a woman's number but I don't really want it. I can't afford to take a woman for coffee. How am I supposed to go on an actual date. Yes it's chauvinistic to think that I have to pay. But it's also Chivalrous to know that I have to pay.
I don't know if you read this, just tell me to be happy and I'll oblige.
Here's a song to cheer you up.