Sorry for those that come here hoping to be entertained. Then again my brother is the only one who reads these anyways. I wanted to keep a blog cause people don't like me when I talk on Facebook. I've had some retweets on Twitter but usually only when talking about politics, or should I say Paulitics. My life depresses me, my work depresses me. Politics depress me, my body depresses me. Even a show called Glee is starting to depress me. It's only a TV show, but guy's are trying suicide, women are getting beaten, and the woman surviving a car accident is finding love. The biggest thing that has been making me feel like a 'has-been' is that I've never taken a single shot in my life. If a woman turns me down I sulk instead of making her fall in love with me like I know I have the power to do. I've never professionally taken a shot. I'm gonna be 33 this month and I've never even tried. I've just floated through life. As William Wallace said in Braveheart. "Every man dies, not every man truly lives". I ask myself why I never tried out for wrestling school 10 years ago. I ask myself why I never auditioned for a part in a local production. I know I have the stage presence. Am I a Loser? No! Cause to be a loser you have to have competed, I'm not a has-been, I'm a never-was. I don't even know if I want anyone to read this or if i'm just writing it down to get it out of my system.
Since I got hit by that car my life has been a total mess. I was in training for the kettlebell competition. I was in training for the 10k run in May. In August of last year I would have competed in the Try a Tri. a Shorter distance Triathlon. By early this year I would have been looking to up my mark and weights at this year's Kettlebell Comp. I also would have been looking for a half-marathon in the spring to get me ready for the Toronto Marathon in the fall. IT was all planed out. Shitstorms are hard to forecast. Every time I see my doctor I tell him how depressed I am. But he just doesn't listen. I think about suicide almost daily. I've talked with some friends but I usually change the subject. I talk to one guy at work who is like an angel. I always tell him if he were gay I'd marry him. Either way when I win the lottery and become a Bond Villain he's gonna be my mad scientist
See I make jokes even when unloading. A woman asked/told me last week, that I'm always "on", if I would just be myself I might find someone. Well I made a joke of it of course. The one thing women say is an overriding feature in men that they find attractive is confidence. I don't have any left. I pretend to have some. I'll sing an Adele song or two at karaoke. But that's a mask(and I really like Adele). How Am I supposed to show a woman that I'm frail, and weak. I haven't been looking for a woman this year. Like I said in an earlier post. I got a woman's number but I don't really want it. I can't afford to take a woman for coffee. How am I supposed to go on an actual date. Yes it's chauvinistic to think that I have to pay. But it's also Chivalrous to know that I have to pay.
I don't know if you read this, just tell me to be happy and I'll oblige.
Here's a song to cheer you up.
i don't agree, your not a has-been or a never-was. your a to-be
ReplyDelete- Ron
Cheer up. Things will get better. Remember I was a bit depressed for a while. I thought some nasty thoughts. But I though it. Anyway, pretty much the whole time I was reading your post I heard Alfred in my head.
ReplyDelete"Why do we fall down? So we can pick ourselves back up"
-JP